Written by Susan Lane SLCM Keeper of ColourMine
Survival under sufferance and never leaving a new eternity
Survival – My Second Boy and Me
Sometimes it just takes a little while for you to be able to process events and feelings. Difficulties strike and a quarter of a century can pass before you realise the enormity of what you survived.
Well, this is a difficult one for me,
Not sure where to begin,
Married, two healthy children
Now living in sin
Found to be pregnant at age 39
Obviously not age defined
Everything went swimmingly
Three negative tests and a growing belly
Finally went to the doctor
To get checked by him
Definitely pregnant after
Twenty years with Jim
He was with me on that day
And saw the result of adult play
About seven months the doctor told me
That was a huge surprise,
And two adult children
Wowee!
Well, all through Christmas and New Year too
Even Valentines rocked on through
I got to mid-March and came the day
Off to hospital I went without delay
Survival of Surgery
That evening, I was prepped for surgery
But he didn’t survive,
Only me.
I stayed in hospital
For ten days
Then it was home for me
Without that little lad
That had been growing, inside of me.
I slept downstairs
Because it was safest for me
All snuggly and warm
With my Alsatian for company
Then came the day
That was worse for me,
We went out for dinner,
Just Jim, his mum
And me,
I was in a wheelchair,
I’d never been such an invalid,
No not me
Afterwards we went for a stroll
Around the garden centre
Opposite the watering hole
The place was nice
But for me
The pain had begun
To take its toll,
It wasn’t fun
It was just before
We got in the car to go home
A slight irritation, just indigestion I think
From that huge meal that I couldn’t resist
To ease the pain,
I did what comes naturally,
I undid my bra,
That was sensible for me
To remove the restriction you see,
But it didn’t seem to ease the pain
And because that didn’t work
I racked my brain
Jim Got Angry with Me
Oh bother, what a bind,
This pain is really starting to be unkind
Later that evening I decided
It was a hospital visit for me
Because the pain it just wouldn’t ease
Jim was so angry, he couldn’t believe
I’d waited so long
To tell him about the pain I was in
He didn’t understand
That whilst I was in all this pain
It was dragging me down
And didn’t refrain
Damn I’d never felt such pain
Like I imagine a vice would be felt
Gripping, holding
Made me wonder if my life
Was going down the drain
He’d been out the front
Working on the car again
I didn’t think he’d appreciate
Being disturbed by me
So didn’t say a word until he was free
Oh god, I nearly told him I’d wait
But it was so bad I almost
Couldn’t breathe through the pain
So, we went to the hospital,
Jim and me
I was checked over
I had been seen
By the doctor in charge
Of the emergency
A Shock for Jim
After giving lots of details
There were blood tests for me
Then I was treated very quickly
Because unbeknown to me
I was in a very bad way you see
I was later told by Jim
I had a 50/50 chance of survival
Of this extra treat.
He put on a brave face but for him
This news was devasting you see
Jim was disgusted with himself
For being angry with me
He’d had no idea that having lost his son
Next it could be me
The doctor had just diagnosed me
With a clot on the lung
That if not treated immediately
It can be deadly!
Medication and Home for Me
Blood thinners were the medication
They gave to me
Then regular blood tests and Wolverin
A blood thinning medication,
Twice a day
Then daily for several weeks
Throughout my stay
Then home and weekly tests for me
Right through to November
What a year so far it has been!
On the outside all smiley and gay
But inside the grief was still there each day
One decision I’d made back in March you see
Was to tell my family
“Don’t ever remind me”
I knew back then,
No matter what the day
I wouldn’t forget my son,
No way!
I told my family it would be with me
Every day even if it was
Fifty years you see.
Time Marches On
Now it’s almost twenty-five years for me
Nothing has changed,
The grief is just the same
Just buried deep,
Sometimes it comes out, I still weep
But I’m still smiling you see
Because absolutely no-one needs
To be reminded of this grief
Especially those who haven’t been
Through this you see
Because they have no idea
That you are still tied
To that unbreathing child
That you didn’t see
I couldn’t see him because
That would have been torture you see
I’d want to pick him up, hold him,
Want him to be warm, healthy,
Smiling in his sleep
Before waking for another feed.
Well, that didn’t happen, not for me
I just had a funeral to attend
To yet again start to grieve
Then off to the local pub restaurant
For a meal with close family
Then home for a rest, a cup of tea
And some survival sleep.
© Susan Lane. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission from the author.
ColourMine poetry, and the original photographs, are completely authentic to myself, Susan Lane – no AI, no plagiarism, all checked and verified by copyleaks
Apologies for the emoji presentation – I tested several, but this was the only one that worked reliably on ColourMine. Just click the box next to the emoji and hit submit, and I’ll know if the poem resonated with you. Thank you for sharing your feelings.
More poems written by Susan Lane, and you can choose by category
Blog | Organic voice | A happy survival of triumph here
Speak freely, ColourMine and myself will be pleased to hear from you.
