Written by Susan Lane

I’m “That Noisy Fecker” the freezer

I whirred and I banged,
Strange noises emitted from me
I didn’t feel unwell
Just out of sorts you see
I’d been like it for far too long
For a year maybe
Clanging and banging
It was distracting even for me
Like an orchestra setting up
Before a major event
It’s the wonder I’ve not been
Put outside in a tent

Night-time was worse
It was a lot quieter here you see
And the lady of the house
She wasn’t keen
On taking a peek inside of me
She didn’t open my door
Afraid of what she might see
Plus, she was worried
Because of the heat, I might pee
Although that was unlikely
Even for a freezer as old as me

Freezer Happenings Unexplained

The lady of the house decided to clear right through
Feng Sui the Chinese call it 
Oh, what a hoot
I didn’t think it would do anything for me
Don’t believe in that old rubbish you see
Sorting and moving, what a laugh
Clearing the rubbish, quite hard graft
But I feel so much better now you see
In comparison with how I use to be
I now hum away quite gently
No clanging, no banging, no unusual sounds
Just gently whirring
I sound so much happier now

I can’t explain it I didn’t feel crook
And the lady of the house
Didn’t even touch me
How does that work
Well, hopefully she’ll figure out and
Will finally
Remove the last block
So, I won’t be shouting
“Please fix me”

At present that’s what I do
Every day and all night too
She puts me on silent
Because she’s fed up with hearing me
Shout about my fight
A fight you say, you may well ask
That bloomin’ fridge he’s gotten quite vast
There should be enough room for him and me
But he eats so much it’s quite a squeeze

Midnight Ramblings

I was thinking it was so warm in here
Maybe it was because of the clutter
Or perhaps the fridge full of Asti
Chocolate and good cheer
I really don’t know why
I just know it’s nice living here
Listening to the “family”
Those flippin’ cats fighting
The lady of the house
Shouting at them
Even though it’s only two
The dog strolling through

Why do they all need to go to the loo
In the middle of the night
Well, who knows, definitely not me
Now, I digress because now the fridge
He’s nudging me
Giving me signals because he’s spied near me
The lady of the house, hehe

I’m getting ready for the throng
With them returning
And the fridge waffling on
About his love and how it grows
He’s infatuated you see
With the lady of the house
What a facepalm moment
It will be
When he realises
Not everything is what it appears to be

You know I’m dreading him
And his woe is me
He’ll probably go on for hours
Incessantly
It really is about time
He learned to play the game
Just look after her stuff and
Stop looking so lame
I cannot believe he hasn’t yet figured
She isn’t even remotely interested
In him or me

He is just a lovesick fool
A fridge, a tool
Keeping her food safe to eat
Like me, just a freezer, and the cupboards
That are full to bursting
With all her treats
Although I’m not sure
I understand completely
Exactly why she stores tiny bags of tea
Is that weird or is that me?

© Susan Lane. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission from the author.

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