Written by Susan Lane SLCM Keeper of ColourMine
The Cat That Crapped on My Settee
Cat: This early morning pleasure was not appreciated but is quite often an occurrence that I would prefer to be avoided if possible.
Cat Not Tolerated
Well, that’s it, never again
That flippin’ cat is not ever
Being let in
She was doing okay you see
She had previously been dumped
On my neighbour
Then gravitated towards me
Now cats I don’t actually mind
They’re usually quite clean
But not this one it would seem
She had been in the garden and looked at me
Whilst I quite often sat outside drinking a cup of tea
Over time I thought it would be
Nice if I could gradually
Let her into my conservatory
Just when it was minus degrees
Well, she came in and my young orange cat
Although he wasn’t actually keen
He tolerated her in his space occasionally,
When I sat with them, with a cup of tea
Cat Cleaned Herself Up and Then . . .
She settled down and became quite clean
So gradually into my living room she visited me
Then one day she did something
Of which I was not keen
She was looking out the window
Was on the back of the furniture you see
She crapped down the back
It ran down onto the seat
I wasn’t pleased I grabbed her up
And dumped her
Back out into the conservatory
I cleaned up then sat and calmed down
With a cup of tea
I’m not having that, no not me
Then through the motions we go
Improvements are made although they’re slow
Improvement Then Set-back
Everything got better for her and me
Allowed back in the house
Going wherever she pleased
Well, that was until this morning at 0630
That damned cat decided to crap
On my sofa again
I dumped her out the conservatory again
Changed all the covers
Washed everything diligently
Absolutely no way
I’m letting that thing back in
To crap on my furniture again
Relegated to the Conservatory
So out in the conservatory
She is staying permanently
With a heater and lots of beds
And if she doesn’t like it
Then I’ll open the door you see
So, she can go back to that old shed
Where she used to be
I’m not having her crap here
Oh, no siree
Not when there’s a litter tray
That I clean diligently
One thing she needs to remember
There Are Things She Shouldn’t Do
I don’t beg, I don’t plead
But I also don’t want
A dirty little cat living with me
Who thinks she can crap
On and under my furniture
No, that’s definitely not happening,
Not here, not even in 5 degrees
I got angry
So, now she’s out in the garden again
No nice warm bed
No food from me
Just outside to fend for herself
Rules Are Rules
Because I know there’s one thing I don’t need
A dirty black cat who thinks she’s a friend to me
Either she plays by my rules
Or she doesn’t come in
She’s not ever been my cat
So, I’m not obligated
To open the door
And let her in
That might seem quite cruel
But you see,
I’ve gotten fed up with her
Going for a crap every time I eat
Plus, every night when I get up for a wee
There’s another surprise waiting for me
It wouldn’t be so bad
If it was just scoop and clean
OCD or Just Cleanliness
But wet wipes and spray
With a tray within a tray
Well, that’s not me with OCD
That’s a damned dirty cat
Who perches on the tray edge
And would crap on the floor
If that second tray didn’t stop that furore
But now it’s gone and I can breathe
It’s out in the elements
And now I’m pleased
I can sit and drink in peace
My cup of decaffeinated tea
Kicked Out then Allowed Back In
Well, I relented and let it back in
But only into the conservatory
There’s no way it’s getting any further
Because as it’s plain to see
Over time that damned cat
Reverts to being disgusting you see
So, after an hour it’s in the warm
Well, I say warm
It isn’t cold the heater is on
There are several pillows, mats and towels
Every kind of resting place you see
Depending on where she wants to be
There are also food and drink
And a toilet that doesn’t stink
And best of all it’s
Probably not what you think
The best thing that she might like is
The conservatory is dry and wind free
It may not be in with me
But, it’s much better
Not As Cold as in a Shed
Than being outside in the wind and the rain
And anything below 10 degrees
I know she’s going to miss sitting in with me
Whilst I drink my cup of tea
But on the plus side
I didn’t totally kick here out, no siree
She’s warm and dry, and me?
I don’t need to feel guilty
Emotions Get in the Way
And whilst everything in this poem may not be
Appreciated by me and everything I see
I’m sure you will understand, this isn’t just a rant
It’s more of an emotional plea
Whilst I’m sitting here sipping my cup of tea
© Susan Lane. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted in any form without prior written permission from the author.
ColourMine poetry, and the original photographs, are completely authentic to myself, Susan Lane – no AI, no plagiarism, all checked and verified by copyleaks
Apologies for the emoji presentation – I tested several, but this was the only one that worked reliably on ColourMine. Just click the box next to the emoji and hit submit, and I’ll know if the poem resonated with you. Thank you for sharing your feelings.
More poems written by Susan Lane, and you can choose by category
Blog | Organic voice | A happy survival of triumph here
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A Little Something Extra
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This scroll is part of ColourMine’s layered poetic structure, where emotional resonance and embedded form quietly shape each piece.
